Its really late and should be sleep. However, I just completed a practice GMAT quiz (another story for another day) and my mind is still racing. Yesterday afternoon I saw something that immediately gave me joy and a few moments later that feeling was replaced by chills. As soon as I opened my Instagram application, I smiled back at the lovely smile looking at me. It was one of those boyish grins of a man who is delightful in mind and spirit. The kind of person that makes you smile too because yes, their presence and smile is just that contagious. I thought, “man its been a minute since Ive seen or spoken to him, but I’m pleasantly delighted to see his face.”
One picture can invoke a ton of emotion and flood your mind with vivid memories. All was well until I saw the dreadful letters R.I.P as the caption.
Are you freaking kidding? yeah someone has to be playing with me…….
My mind nor my heart was ready for the truth. I could not accept the finality of those letters. I threw my head back and looked up to the ceiling and spoke to God is some random gibberish. I sent a text to a friend inquirying about what had happened. He did not have any details but confirmed what I wanted to adamantly deny.
This bright man was gone=from this life that is. As an intuitive and sometimes emotional person, I am always saddened by the pain of others and sudden death. But this was different. Had it really been that long since we talked on the 1st floor of the library, when he told me about becoming a Mason? Or had time moved so fast that I had forgotten the time at his house in Grand Prairie when he stood in the bathroom mirror as I teased him about brushing his hair. He was ” O so serious” about those waves. And how he loved his dogs…the same ones I refused to go in the backyard with? And how could I forget his playful teasing of my desire to become an AKA? And when I found out that for some reason he wanted to leave this place, I wailed in grief.
I just couldn’t imagine him making that choice, that final decision. Although several years had passed since I had spoken to him, I thought that surely life could not have been so bad. I was not judgmental but inquisitive simply because he was so loved and he shared parts of himself so freely. People can appear so well, so happy, so good, but we never really know what they are going through in their darkest hour. The nurturer in me wishes that I could have softened the blows of hardship, strife, or whatever else hurt him. I am deeply saddened and I wonder who is else is in need. Who else needs an outlet or reason to live? Who else needs a confidant or a voice or reason? Who else needs to know that they are loved? Who else needs to know that they have a divine purpose?Even as I type this, I keep glancing up at my vision board so that I can find some type of peace in the picture of praying hands or the name Jesus written in baby pink. His sudden and tragic departure reminds me that out of all the things that I want to be in this lifetime, I ultimately want to be LOVE. I want to touch those around me. I want to be humble, giving, forgiving, and as kind as I can be to my brothers and sisters. Sometimes even a non-nonchalant convo, smile, or acknowledge of another can be a matter of life or death.
Perhaps that was the lesson I was meant to hold on to.
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~Thanks for Keeping it Kinky~